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What Exactly Does She Mean by the Next Level Doc?

My girlfriend of 7 years keeps nagging me about taking the relationship to the next level Doc Randy. I kind of want to take to the previous level when she gave me BJ s before going to work. Now I m lucky if the runt even wakes up to make my breakfast. What s with these women, and why don t they wake up and smell the coffee?

Randy s Bungga s Reply

You haven’t left your name, so, as this is a common complaint, I shall call you Everyman.

Dear Everyman,

Contrary to popular belief, seven is NOT a lucky number. In your case it refers to the 7 year itch, which can be very painful indeed. In fact, my good friend and co-conspirator Professor Benneth had a girlfriend of 7 years before he started to suffer from a debilitating rash on the tip of his penis. After lengthy enquiries (and astronomical bills for expenses) from a top Private Investigator, the Professor found that his girlfriend was riddled with syphillis from her sexual liaisons with the gardening staff, and she had passed it on.

Anyway, you get my point.

“The Next Level” is a conversational misery that most men have to endure at least once in their life. Many will succumb immediately, and many will resist, some right until their dying breath. There are many ways of dealing with such questions:

1) EVADE: Feigning deafness /or drunkenness at the critical moment often works for me. These questions will usually come at night when you are about to sleep anyway, so take advantage of her choice to use the #1 female tactic of sleep deprivation and “play possum” by snoring as if your slumber has already commenced.

2) AVOID: Pretend that you don’t know that in her euphimism, the next level refers to marriage. Tell her that yes, you would be delighted to try anal intercourse with her, or more than willing to experience a group sex situation with her and three of her hot friends.

3) EXAGGERATE: Tell her that your relationship has already reached such lofty heights of wonderment and adoration that there couldn’t possibly be anything higher.

4) INCENTIVISE: Make empty promises that if she wants marriage then the blow jobs and breakfasts had better make a reappearance. You will, of course, defer greater misery to a later date (when, after countless BJs and scrambled egg breakfasts, she returns to the topic), but in my humble opinion pain deferred to tomorrow is better than suffering it today.

5) ESCAPE. Run like the wind. Let your natural fear of commitment drive you as far across the planet as possible, until you can settle in a sweaty South American haven under an assumed name. This works equally well for Bank Robbers and Oppressed Boyfriends. My books, The Ultimate Excuse: How to Lie Your Way Out of Peril”, and “An Excuse for All Seasons Volume III: Running Away From Overbearing Wives and Girlfriends” are both must-reads for you, and are competitively priced at $39.99 in the hardback edition.

In closing, Everyman, the reason they don’t wake up and smell the coffee is that they are still sleeping when you drag your sorry ass out of bed in the morning, make your own coffee, and slink off to work in order to earn money to support them.

Dr Randy

Potions spells I think I had one placed on me.

Doc, could use your help. I am a retired grunt ( Vietnam Vet) living in Angeles City Philippines. I was informed that this girl i have been living with in the Philippines has paid to have a love spell cast on me. Apparently, it s possible here, I read about it over on the Yahoo site:

These love spells are called in Filipino as gayuma , which are love potions that some Filipinas use. They place those potions in their lovers drink and then they give it to them. Once the lover drinks it, they will fall in love for a certain number of years, until the spell disappears and the one who has been under spell would have extreme anger, hostility, and rage toward the one who had placed them under spell.

There is also a mangkukulam (witch) who possess extreme powers. Oddly, all the incantations are in Latin. I don t think they teach Latin in these parts.

Anyway, here is my problem. I m sure the spell was cast a few weeks ago (my GF admitted it to me just now), and since then, I seem to have developed unusual feelings for her deaf-mute cousin (35 yrs old). For the first time in years, I wake up hard (without the use of Viagra) thinking about the cousin. So, do I go for it and get even with the bitch for casting the stupid spell in the first place?

Albert

Randy Bungga Advices Albert:

Albert,

You have stumbled on a common problem, my friend! Yes, few would believe it, but wicked witchcraft is alive and kicking in certain parts of the world, and nowhere more prevalent than amongst Filipinas in need of love!

Fortunately for you, I suspect you are a chronic drunk, in which case the spell will have had little effect. The same thing actually happened to me about 10 years ago, when I got caught in a pincer movement of evil incantations thrown by a Cambodian Princess and a Vietnamese stripper… but with the bum’s best luck the evil spirits couldn’t take my own cocktail of boozy spirits and they bounced back onto the girls in question. One lost her mind and jumped off a small cliff (breaking her ankle quite badly, I hear) while the other fell in love with the pole around which she danced every night. I think his name was Wawrzyniec, or some other Polish conundrum.

But that part is not important right now: what matters most is that in your current case, the malevolent plan seems to have backfired badly on your girlfriend, and I mean backfired more than the usual nicturnal flatulence she probably has to suffer from your overweight rump!

I’m often quoted as saying that “love is a many splendoured thing”, and it is. It’s also a wonderful, unpredictable staple of human life. So, when Love’s Shadow falls across your path, you mustn’t let it slip past you. True, your feelings for her cousin may be voodoo-induced, but the fact that your withered old pencil can now stand unassisted at the thought of creeping up behind the poor deaf girl means that you must transfer your affections immediately. My advice: learn the International Sign Language code for “I have a small but well-formed erection with which I would like to pleasure you good lady” and get on with your life.


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